Starting a family is an emotional journey for anyone. And for beauty vlogger Gigi Gorgeous, it's been an especially challenging one. In a new video on her YouTube channel, Gorgeous spoke candidly about her hopes, fears, and difficulties as a transgender woman who's "always wanted to have kids and have a family."
"I just need to get this off my chest. It's something that's been weighing really, really heavily on me," she says in the video.
Gorgeous explains that she was inspired to "finally" sit down and record the video because she watched another YouTuber's video about pregnancy that she found to be really inspiring.
"Being transgender, it's obviously a lot different [from a cis woman's experience] with pregnancy," she says. But right now, she's in a place where she "never thought" she'd be. "I'm in a very committed relationship. I am very, very much in love with my fiancé," she says, adding that the two got engaged earlier this year. And, for her, talking about starting a family felt like a natural progression of their relationship, but it's "a touchy subject" that requires tackling a lot of complex issues, she describes.
"I've always wanted to get married and have kids and have a family, but I never thought that it would actually happen for me," Gorgeous continues. "And now that it's here, it's kind of like…fuck."
Gorgeous goes on to say that while she doesn't like to discuss this topic for many reasons, the main one is that she feels "really embarrassed."
"I know genetic women [can] have troubles with their pregnancy and getting pregnant," she says. "But for me, being trans, it's not even a possibility for me to get pregnant. I wasn't born with a uterus or a vagina or any of those working parts that gives you a babushka. I can't give birth to my own child, we know that, but it's still embarrassing to me."
Gorgeous then recalls one particularly trying experience when she and her fiancé spoke to a specialist about freezing their sperm and eggs. "It was one of the most embarrassing situations I have ever had in my entire life," she remembers. "I felt so awkward and defeminized in my body, and soul, and brain, and heart. It was such a yucky feeling."
She did make an appointment to have her sperm tested, though. However, when the time came, she says she wasn't in the right mindset. She and her partner agreed that they would reschedule, but that hasn't happened yet.
Of course, womanhood is not defined by fertility or pregnancy. And not being able to give birth doesn't make you any less of a woman—trans or cis.
"I'm hoping that talking about it and getting it off my chest and sharing it with you guys will give me the strength to see where I'm at in my transition to go through with this," she says towards the end of the video. Gorgeous also adds that if talking about all of her challenges of planning a family helps even one person going through a similar experience feel better or less alone, "then that's worth it to me."